Society

I have spent so much time alone that now I find I am not sure how to be with people. Even with my own family, and it's worse with other people.

Aloneness also makes one self-centered. So does lack of independence. So much of my life consists of planning the 'how will I do this?' (physically and emotionally) that when I arrive I'm consumed with the details of my own existence. Or maybe I've always been this way.

I just returned from Indiana and Joe's graduation. Rodger is in London so I didn't have him smoothing the way for me. And that must get exhausting for him.

On graduation day we went to a wonderful luncheon with Joe's mom and dad. As I was getting out of the wheelchair to go through the buffet line I clutched Sara's arm and said something about taking a deep breath and calming down. I was thinking out loud (trying to steady my insecurities about walking through the line and not falling etc.) but she thought I was telling her to calm down. She said, "Mom, you're driving me crazy!"

She later apologized and said she thought I was talking to her. Which leads me to believe that I must have been getting on her nerves previously for her to have vocalized that feeling when she did.

I can't see myself and know what I should do or not do. If being myself doesn't work around Sissy, I'm really in trouble. I should have been thinking of her and not myself. She had alot going on that day and I was worried about a simple buffet line.

That's what I mean about being alone or being with people. Sometimes I really think it best to be safe, at home, alone.

I'm leaving for London in a week to join Rodger. I'm trying very hard to do some serious self-talk and preparation so that I wont drive him 'crazy.' I want so much for it to be a happy time for both of us. I pray that I won't think so much about myself and my worries about the buffet line that I spoil our time together. Can I be that someone for 4 weeks? We shall see.