Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Springtime picnic 1968?

The lilacs are coming into full bloom. It always reminds me of two things: my childhood home with banks of lilacs blooming and of a picnic that Rodger and I went on before we were married. The first memory has made lilacs my favorite flower. It reminds me so much of Mother. I remember coming home to huge arrangements of lilacs in the house. They are an unruly bunch to try to arrange but she always managed to. And oh, the fragrance that permeated the house! There is no way to duplicate that smell artificially. Some products come close but never completely succeed. Maybe it would take walking into that wonderful farm kitchen and finding my mother there waiting for me to make it 'real.' She was the one that always made things real for me.
Rodger has brought me random bouquets from time to time when he has come across bushes and I'm quite sure that all my children know of my love of lilacs. We have planted a lilac bush under my bedroom window in this house. It is in it's third year and is beginning to produce flowers. I can't wait for bouquets!
The second memory is of a picnic took place somewhere near Sundance. There were no lilacs present but it is words that I remember. Rodger was memorizing lines from a play for a performance. The play was The Crucible by Arthur Miller. The scene is scene II. The are lines spoken by John Proctor to his wife Emily. It is springtime in Massachusetts and John has been out planting the fields on his farm. The lines are:
"Lilacs have a purple smell"
"It's as warm as blood beneath the clods."
For whatever reason these lines became embedded in my memory and have been repeated by me every springtime since. He surely must have learned his lines that day, I certainly did!
The memory also conjures up warm sun on our bodies and of being in the rush of young love laying on a blanket. Ah...young love, sunshine, youth, passion, a blanket and thoughts of lilacs and warm earth. No wonder I've never forgotten it...

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Society

I have spent so much time alone that now I find I am not sure how to be with people. Even with my own family, and it's worse with other people.
Aloneness also makes one self-centered. So does lack of independence. So much of my life consists of planning the 'how will I do this?' (physically and emotionally) that when I arrive I'm consumed with the details of my own existence. Or maybe I've always been this way.
I just returned from Indiana and Joe's graduation. Rodger is in London so I didn't have him smoothing the way for me. And that must get exhausting for him.
On graduation day we went to a wonderful luncheon with Joe's mom and dad. As I was getting out of the wheelchair to go through the buffet line I clutched Sara's arm and said something about taking a deep breath and calming down. I was thinking out loud (trying to steady my insecurities about walking through the line and not falling etc.) but she thought I was telling her to calm down. She said, "Mom, you're driving me crazy!"
She later apologized and said she thought I was talking to her. Which leads me to believe that I must have been getting on her nerves previously for her to have vocalized that feeling when she did.
I can't see myself and know what I should do or not do. If being myself doesn't work around Sissy, I'm really in trouble. I should have been thinking of her and not myself. She had alot going on that day and I was worried about a simple buffet line.
That's what I mean about being alone or being with people. Sometimes I really think it best to be safe, at home, alone.
I'm leaving for London in a week to join Rodger. I'm trying very hard to do some serious self-talk and preparation so that I wont drive him 'crazy.' I want so much for it to be a happy time for both of us. I pray that I won't think so much about myself and my worries about the buffet line that I spoil our time together. Can I be that someone for 4 weeks? We shall see.

"Enough is as Good as a Feast"--Mary Poppins

A few weeks ago in Relief Society Jordan Karpowitz gave a lesson on gratitude. She shared this quote from Mary Poppins. It struck me. It really struck me. Society (and me) has become so 'feast' oriented that I am questioning when, if ever, enough is enough any more. I want to become focused on the 'enough.' I am blessed with so much. Let enough be enough.